Charles de Gaulle looked down his ample patrician nose at his fellowcountrymen and pronounced the French Republic ungovernable. In whatmust have been a moment of utter pique and sheer frustration, heexclaimed: "How can one govern a country that has 350 kinds of cheese?"
What might he have said had he been a local politician in industrialCape Breton? Someone once described Eastern Nova Scotia as: "rainydays, Holy Days and MacDonalds."
At one time, DOSCO, the coal and steel company, had 650 MacDonaldson the payroll and 150 of them were named John.
One day, a car left Glace Bay headed for Sydney with five JohnMacDonalds in it - Jack "Spud", Johnny "Angus Summer John",Johnny "Flat", Johnny "Billy Big Archie" and Johnny "Billy AllanCape North". Behind them, in a second car, were two more JohnMacDonalds - Jack "The Snake" and "Antigonish Jack."
Nicknames were the only means of singling out the many MacDonaldfamilies.
The late Tony Mackenzie lived in Egerton, near Merigomish in PictouCounty. He was a retired history teacher who collected and publishedScots' folklore. He attended St Francis Xavier University "off andon" and left to work on hydro lines and in construction when fundsran out. He earned an Arts degree in 1947 and 12 years later anEducation degree.
He joked that he attended university for three terms - "Roosevelt,Truman and Eisenhower".
Tony has two modest best-sellers on Maritime bookstore shelves and athird in the oven. His history, THE HARVEST TRAIN, is aboutMaritimers who rode the trains to western Canada for the grainharvest. His second book is titled THE IRISH IN CAPE BRETON. Histhird chronicles visits of Gypsies to Atlantic Canada.
He collected nicknames.
His favourite was the "Pickle Arse" Petries. The story goes that aPetrie was sitting on a barrel of pickled herring, fell into apolitical argument and then into the barrel of brine when the woodencover caved in. He was wedged there firmly for some time and when hewas finally extricated his posterior was pickled.
The "Pickle Arse" Petries are not to be confused with the "ProudArse" Macleans who were the very first family in Iona to build anoutdoor privy.
Most nicknames reflect an ancestor, a physical characteristic, placeof birth, a deformity or a misfortune.
Johnny "The Nun" worked at a convent. Billy "Concrete" had a sonnicknamed Carl "Reddi-Mix". "Jim the Bear" had a son named "Colinthe Cub". "Waterloo Dan" was a miner who had been branded in hisyouth. When he stripped in the colliery washhouse, there, printedbackwards across his cheeks was "Waterloo No. 2", a campaign ribbonhe won when he backed into a red-hot stove.
History does not record how "Rotten Archie" came by his nickname. Itcould be from the Gaelic word "rotan" that means red-faced. "Hughiethe Crock" could have been a boozer or his nickname could befrom "cnoc", the Gaelic word for hill pronounced "crok".
One can only wonder how "Big Angus the Clap" got his name. To givehim the benefit of the doubt, the Gaelic word "clab" means garrulous.
Then there are the "Split the Winds". Their nickname was earned whenthe matriarch, without intending to, uncorked a blast of stomachgases that shook the stained glass windows and loosened the Stationsof the Cross from the walls of St. Anne's Church in Glace Bay.
Tony MacKenzie's eyes gleamed when he related the story of "FiveMile Annie" who was married to "Two Storey Dan". She got hernickname because she drove her old car so slowly and he got hisbecause he was so tall he didn't need a ladder to paint the side ofa house.
One day, "Two Storey Dan" had to resort to using a ladder and felloff. When Annie heard the news her only question was: "Did he spillany paint?"
There are no footnotes anywhere to tell how the "Blue" Macdonaldsearned their nickname - unless it was for their Tory upbringing.
Angus "Blue" was a much-loved local politician in Glace Bay. Heparlayed his job as a miner and his volunteer work with the CanadianLegion and Little League Baseball into a lifetime position on TownCouncil.
Like so many of his peers, Angus "Blue" left school at an early ageto help support his family. His formal education probably ended withGrade Six. Angus "Blue" was known for his propensity to mangle theEnglish language. He could, on occasion, make Mrs. Malaprop soundlike an Oxford don.
Addressing voters, he referred to them as "my dear constitionaries".If elected, he promised he would "do something about the 'LIGHTNING'system on South Street".
During a Town Council meeting he advised those present he haddifficulty pronouncing Clerk Enso Antonello's name and thereafterwould refer to him as "the Dago". No offence was taken by Enso orby "Blue's" fellow Councillors.
Angus "Blue" clashed once with Prime Minister Mike Pearson who wasat a Legion Atlantic Command convention soft-selling hisgovernment's approach to bilingualism and biculturalism.
"Listen, Bye", he told the PM, "if English was good enough for JesusChrist, it's good enough for us guys down here." Then, for goodmeasure, he threw in a few profane broadsides.
Ever the diplomat, ever conciliatory, Mike Pearson replied: "Wearen't trying to legislate language for anyone. It doesn't matter awhit what language Canadians speak - English, French or the languageof the previous speaker." Angus "Blue" was smart enough to quit whenhe was behind.
The morning paper the next day carried a photo of Angus "Blue"wearing his blue Blazer and beret, both carrying Legion crests -with his arm around Mike Pearson's shoulder.
The Hot Stove League that gathered on fine evenings on Senator'sCorner in Glace Bay under the chairmanship of "Big Cy" MacDonald wasalways good for the latest Angus "Blue" miscue - like the night hewent to Vince MacGillivray's Funeral Parlour wearing his brandnew "double-chested suit and Stilson hat" from Hughie MacIntyre'shaberdashery.
Angus "Blue" didn't live to experience "NIAGARA", the new wonderdrug for erectile difficulty. Nor did he ever indulge himself in oneof those new fangled JU-JITSU bathtubs with water jets.
"Big Cy" and Angus "Blue" were in common agreement on one thing.
"Everybody thinks we are backward down here in Cape Breton. Did youknow that last year 10,000 Upper Canadian and American touristsdrove down here to see the SEVEN MILE BRIDGE?"
The Seven Mile Bridge is about 75 feet across - includingapproaches - and spans a narrow stream at Howie Centre. It is sevenmiles from Sydney.
"Now, who's backward?"
By Pat Mac Adam
